Is everything OK?

Time for an update on what has transpired since my last post.

First of all, I must admit that I did leave out some details of that night and the argument that would have put him in a better light and me, perhaps in a dimmer one.

So many thoughts are racing through my mind - so this may not be as organized with topics sentences and such, as it should. I've been sitting here for almost 30 minutes trying to organize my thoughts and recollection of actions. I'm just going to have to 'blurt' everything out.

Perhaps I should start even earlier than Sunday ...

I have never mentioned anything that made me feel that I had support from him, in dancing and life in general. This is the guy who 'got excited' when I told him I signed up for the class. This is the guy who told me he could hardly wait to see me dance. This is the guy who has told me he wanted to buy me the the purple costume I saw and was telling him about at the store where I bought my hipscarf and zills. I didn't ask him, he offered enthusiastically, plus he said that I should also have the veil that matches my hipscarf. This is the guy who called and asked me every Tuesday night (after my class) how did the class go, did I have fun, etc. This is the guy who 'got excited' when I put on the hipscarf when I first got it in the 3rd week of class and just lifted my hip twice. I can't tell you what else he said, and what we did, because this is not an adult site. However, I can tell you, visual comments, vocal intentions, and actions were uplifting, satisfying and sincere. In addition, at 7:05 pm, five minutes after my last class, I got a voicemail from him enthusiastically congratulating me on my 'graduation.' Two weekends ago he asked if I wanted to go back to the store so he could buy me the costume and veil I wanted. I had said 'not yet,' because I had secret intentions of doing the first dance for him wearing only what I described in the last post. I thought that would be the best surprise for him, with the 'less is more' mentality. Last weekend he asked me if I wanted to go to the store. I said 'not yet'. So, he told me then to just let him know when I am ready. I've had nothing but secure and positive feelings through that whole time, in addition to the year and a half since we've been dating, after our three-year friendship before that.

Perhaps that is one of the reasons I felt so rejected just seconds after I finished my dance. He was soooo supportive and enthusiastic during the classes. I had a very complete, narrow and immediate expectation of a certain reaction. Because that certain reaction did not happen exactly as I imagined it, I blew up and reacted to the little voice inside my head which kept saying 'he's not going to like it.' When I asked him if he wanted to see me dance Sunday night, it was just an hour or two before he had to leave, and he was finishing work on his computer that he wanted to get done by the time he had to leave. I feel I must remind you and also add: we agreed that tomorrow would be the day we'd go shopping for the rest of the costume, because of that, I wanted him to see me dance in just the hipscarf, panties and bra, because I thought (and wanted) that would be the best surprise. I told him that the dance would not be too long. He asked about the rest of the costume, and shouldn't we wait, and I said that wasn't necessary for that night. (immediately the voice was going inside my head - he doesn't want to see - he's putting it off) He said 'ok,' closed his computer, and sat atentively with a smile on his face.

I did not tell you that he applauded. And, during the dance, he was either smiling from ear to ear, or his jaw was down to his knees. And, I did hear sighs, and comments like, 'oh my God,' 'ohhhh', and 'damn..' For some reason during this 1 minute and 50 second routine, I kept telling myself that those comments were fake. This self-doubt has been present in myself for reasons that stem from my childhood, and especially since an abusive relationship 8 years ago. That, and my estranged father's suicide, led me to live with my late grandmother until a couple of years ago (he's the first boyfriend I've had since). Fortunately, those experiences led me into therapy, and an uncommon 'best friend' relationship with my maternal grandmother. However, I still suffer from post-traumatic-stress-disorder, and triggers which instantly lead me to believe false interpretations of my self-worth. It's not the first time, and the other times have little to do with my current boyfriend. There have been times where I have exploded and have accused him of things and actions I felt from my last boyfriend in the '90's - the bad one. During this relationship we both exposed our weaknesses and bad experiences in other relationships which may or have caused certain feelings or reactions. We are both in therapy, and we both agree that this recent incident requires both individual and duo sessions, which have been very helpful in helping both of us break down some walls.

I did not tell you in my last post that I only allowed a few seconds to gauge his thoughts and/or reaction before I exploded. After a couple of days refusing any connection, then finally listening to him after my personal evaluation, I suspect, but still slightly unpositive that I may have indeed over-reacted and plugged in past fears and assumptions.

More in next post on what was discussed, I must go now to tend to my off-line life for a bit ....